However, thinking back, and going over my past events, I realized that it wasn't my fault that all of this happened. I had been blaming myself for wasting my time chasing after someone who wasn't chasing back. Going back, though, I realized that the reason I felt this way was because, it it's purest sense, Michael was leading me on. Regardless of whether he liked the attention, or maybe even what I feel sometimes when I think someone likes me: the feeling of being wanted. But truthfully, I don't know what caused him to act like that. But as I realized this, the fact that Michael led me on all those years, I no longer felt angry and bitter at myself. I realized that after all that, after my still trying to be friends with him, that it was practically pointless because he's not going to change. He will not stop wanting that attention and letting other girls think they can have him. That's why he started hanging out with Christine. He cannot bear the fact that someone can like him as a friend, but not want him in a sexual sense. He, himself, is convinced that I will always want him.
I, however, disagree. I think it is so ingrained in my self-conscious that I wanted him all those years, that it automatically is my first thought, "if Michael does this," and I have to remind myself that I don't want him; but the thought always comes first! Even when I look at him and wonder what I saw in him, the "Michael" thought always comes first. And I don't want it to be that way; I have given up on him, and I have decided that what he did to me, that heartbreak I felt, is not my fault. It's his. Although, even if I told him this, he would deny it. He would say it's not his fault and how dare I blame him. But he cannot always shoo the fault away from him. He always points his finger at me, saying I can't put this on others, and that's true. But in this situation, it's all him. His leading me on, and then telling me--TELLING ME!--that he loves me, saying those damn words, "I love you" as he tells me he is dating my friend is unforgivable, and I forgave him! I always forgave him because I was just too forgiving, and too naive, and too much of everything else that is common in young girls.
Well, that won't happen anymore. Although, now we aren't even talking, and he makes up excuses why he can't talk to me, when they are all crap. I can't always be the one to branch out and go to him, because that's not fair to me. It should be his responsibility too if he really wants to talk to me. Truthfully, after all of this, I don't know if I even care anymore. It's all over, and I can't go back. I can learn from it though; learn and grow and no longer regret and feel that anger and betrayal. It's my life, and I shouldn't live it in regret, not at all.
Truthfully, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Lots and lots of thinking. Really, I have been bitter about my time in high school, which is justified. I find nothing wrong with being bitter about it, I do not regret high school, because it brought me to my friends, but I am bitter about my lack of love life. However, going back on everything that happened, I realized that some of my bitterness wasn't justified. I was bitter at how I could have been so naive--so stupid!--to think that because I thought I had seen the signs, that obviously meant that Michael, coach Michael at my gym, liked me; even loved me.